Tuesday, March 26, 2024

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We say life is too short to live with regrets. We ought to cherish every minute of it. But we often find ourselves struggling to cope with every bit of life's difficulties and we wonder hard if we had put ourselves there in the first place, if we wanted to put ourselves there, or we were forced by the hands we were dealt with. It seems the broader view makes us happy but the micros of it seems like a hassle to get through. "It's not the outcome, it's the journey and the company that matters" so they say. But the reality often seems so far from the truth as everyone of us tend to dwell in the problems and couldn't get ourselves out of the equations. Was under the impression that things would get better as time goes, three weeks in and I'm starting to think otherwise. Maybe I'm still adjusting, I don't have a good idea just yet. With that pricking thorn out of the place, it does seem that the environment is much better than before. What I'm mindful of was the bonds and connections I left behind and feeling of out of place, trying to get back to square one. I do get a little sore about people being closer to babe when I thought I was suppose to be the one who is closer but in a different sense, felt like I'm not any different from them too. However, that is just one small thing that I'm trying to adapt to. Being away for long and not spending the same amount of time together, there's bound to be changes. I like to believe it will all go away soon enough. Hope I get to 100% soon and be able to get a hold of everything so that I could alleviate her burdens and hardship. Sometimes we just have so much care for each other but we just couldn't find the words to speak. Felt very much bounded by people around us, situation and the environment. Heavy hearted at times, not knowing what best to do. Light hearted when babe is cute and shows her fondness and jealousy haha.. I miss the times at Tyrwhitt Bistro.. no disturbances, no time too late, no barriers. While yes, it was a little ugly the last time. We both felt strongly about the changes we were reluctant to go through, or maybe it's just me. No doubt, there's no turning back. I still look at our old pictures everyday and the cute clips she sent, the old conversations we had, and it never fails to put a wide smile on my face. To some, it might look like I'm treading in the past, stagnant. But to me, I'm reliving the present each and every time. There were times it made my heart wrenched, sometimes feeling gratitude, at times, a sense of fantasy. A once in a lifetime fantasy, that I've longed all my life for someone to love me the same time I loved her. At where I am now, I no longer hold hopes of any romance in life. Might be getting too old or frail or untimely. Prolly might died of a cardiac problem any time just like how my old man went to paradise. Came across an interesting read on IG today, it says:

《真心只有一次》

"人心就像玻璃
碎了,就再也黏不上去
人的感情就像牙齿
掉了就没了,再装也是假的
人与人之间,一旦失去了信任
再多的弥补也找不回原来了
心与心一旦失去了默契
再多的言语也无法感动最初的心
情绪的尽头不是发泄,而是沉默
不想再去质问,态度足以证明一切
人该有多失望,才会选择闭口不言
原来情绪到了,真的可以沉默
一句话都不想说,保留沉默的权力
这是心疼自己最后的方式"

I think it's quite true, but I feel sometimes it's sacrificial in some sense. You rather break yourself, then break the person you love.