reflections.

2012-01-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

As the cloud fades into the midnight darkness, I came to realise that there was a time, I also wrote an entry during chinese new year and on the very 8th day of the new year. Well, I couldn't recall what I was blogging about though..perhaps it's another emotional fluctuation.

I guess I have been making progress by talking about her and refraining from getting affected. Pretending that all didn't matter and I was 'generous' enough to take it in my stride. I believe that's the only way to convince everyone that I am doing fine and getting on with life properly. But, it is still a heartache thinking about letting go something that has been sought high and low for..anyways, there's still nothing I could do to reverse anything back to where it used to be..

Occasionally, I have this silly thought lingering in my mind; Am I so emotional and gloomy because I never seem to be able to cry so easily? haha.. I had always regarded myself a hard man to break and always manage to withhold my tears in any emotional situation, trying to be "Man" enough not to tear..

Well, during the quiet hours of the night when you would sit alone and ponder, it would occur to me and strike me unknowingly that no matter how sad and miserable I am, I never seem to be able to breakdown and weep..and perhaps because of that, I grew more and more miserable over a really prolonged period. *laughs* Then there came an unsuspecting hour in the morning which I was blogging a new entry, I...happened to..blog about something closely knitted to my life, about being lonely and unwanted..I wept like a baby behind closed door of my room. I cried so badly like as though I had never wept in my entire life, it's just like everything withheld inside for so many years suddenly burst open and the feeling of being unwanted seems to be the 'key'. Right after, I sat quietly and continue blogging a long while after. Once done, I felt a sensation. I felt liberated. At that moment, I know I had released a portion of my cold burdens away..

2012-01-14T12:13:00.001+08:00

The week has been a really busy one, was hardly able to breathe. While so, I was still able to make it through. It struck me somehow, no matter what difficulties may come, we always find ourselves seeing through all of it unknowingly, painfully or happily, and come to realise it later when the dust settles..

I m aware a lot of friends are concerned about me, worrying I may never let her go and not giving myself another leash of life, etc. Well, I am really glad to have such friends and I think I know what I am doing so far..was really hopeful others could look deeper into me and understand why my mind hangs on to her so much. It's not like it's a program which I could just delete it off with a click. There's just this something about her which makes me wanna be close to her, understand her better, be there for her..I swear I had never felt like I want to take care of a person so much, not even to my siblings, not as much as to my folks. The difference is that great. This feeling is really indescribable. It's like a great deal of fondness for a something even though it could have been broken and you just couldn't bare to throw it away because it holds a great value which, you find it hard to toss it away worrying that you would never find a equal replacement for it..but, in the first place, such a thing wasn't meant to be replaced. It was meant to be kept deeply within in a storage where only you could access before every night's slumber.

I suppose sometimes, the more you want to let it go, the more it harps on it. From within, I really wish I am strong enough to let it go, but it always seems to backfire. Could I really be able to release her from my unforgiving affections? I really don't know. Perhaps time would tell..Time always tells and teaches us everything..Now, I am just leading my own life, like how I used to be alone and no more frequent calls, text messages and of course, subtle affections..

2011-12-28T23:58:00.001+08:00

Finally the present has reached it's rightful owner. Though it has lost its meaning, but it's still a gift afterall.. Nothing was said but only a mere "thank you". Guess there was nothing really to say in the first place. This whole thing had really got me baffled, what was all these for..? A waste of time? Something worthwhile? I had suddenly lost my line of sight and there I am doing it blindly and appearing all like a pitiful clown.. Splendid. Perhaps it's the best way how everything could have went down. We could have been talking all those meaningless and irreversible things all over again and not coming to a fruitful conclusion.. And of course, the end result would definitely be unhappiness.

Just hope the least she likes the gifts meant for her. There is nothing more I could wish for and absolutely nothing I could be given with.

Pathetic.

2011-12-27T00:02:00.000+08:00

Still remember getting all numbed from all that unhappiness and provoked emotions after much alcohol intake. It was really maddening that all the efforts were for waste and everything didn't go as planned. I suppose after all, to plan a surprise or to give a surprise isn't so easy..

There's a lot to find out about, timing and contingencies, but it falls much on luck for it's much harder to manipulate the happenings of events.. there was really really much thoughts about what I think could make you happy and elated of. Still, everything was in vain.. It would never seem that I was ever that important to you, not even as a friend. Perhaps you had never wanted to see me in the place, or would have felt so pressure just to be with me for a second.. Or just maybe, I am just being too nice that I was taken for granted, thinking that I would be agreeable to anything and everything..

There's always a difference. A person may be really nice and easy-going, but ultimately, there would always be a limit. Sometimes it's just not about how nice a person may be, instead, it's whether you could keep to your words and be responsible about it.. It's just utterly hurting and disappointing when I failed to be understood of.. It's frustrating. Each and every time, I am always there trying to be understanding and yet I have always been seen as a fool, or literally become one. Is it really that I am taken as a fool? You never tried a single time to understand why I had to or wanted to do so much for you! It was never because I am nice and always helpful, and sensitive.. it's just because I loved you so much that I don't know why I am bogged in to all these bullshit!

I really question myself so much that I don't even know what kind of right answer I am looking for. People don't know why I did so much stupidly, I don't know why I had to be so persistent on you. Except, clearly I know I really love you that much and it's so much that I tried so hard to let go and hope that you are genuinely happy with the other person whom you had yourself struggled emotionally before.. It's because I knew this much that I tried to understand you. Have you ever done the same for me..?

2011-12-25T10:49:00.001+08:00

Finally, I am back here to where I belong. A place which never seems to age or depresses me, but only to have all ears for me whatever I may have to say..

It's Christmas and it's been over a year since all that fanatical dreams and pursues.. Up till now, I have still been wondering deeply what is it that I wanted most out of my life.. All these while, I always thought I wanted best to have all those things which I have never gotten them when I was younger. But, I was wrong. I came to realise I had only wanted one thing solely. That is, to have somebody to call my own. Material items were never enough to seal the leaking holes of jealousy and enviousness.

I thought it was really true to hear someone say that "nobody wishes to die alone, everyone needs a partner..", I couldn't agree more to it. No doubt eventually everyone dies, but it's to have a partner to live with you till the end of time that is most desired, though what may come..

Being single for so long, I wouldn't deny I have been really accustomed to single-hood. I wouldn't mind being home by myself, walking around aimlessly or just to sit and stare into the space and think about nothing, I could do that, it's just that every single time, the moment I fail to keep my mind busy, everything sinks in so fast that I became so much emptied. This sheer emptiness is scary. Suddenly feeling lost, lonely and perpetually unwanted by society..

Thankfully for all my lovely and sweet friends, I have been well taken care of all these while, especially emotionally.. I am really grateful that I met many great friends in my lifetime. I am contented with my life and I had never wanted another life other than this.

To be honest, I've never regretted what I have done and for all those affections I had, I dare admit that I have been most honest with myself and I had been real in every single one of them. They may say that it's a confusion between a platonic liking and real affections, but I had given my true feelings to each one. I had always held on to my own beliefs and one of it, it's being truthful and honest. And, at this juncture, I know clearly and deeply that I only wanted to be with you even till this day, for I had never met anyone like you. It's everything of you that makes me wanna be part of your life and share every single bit of it.. Though it may not happen now or perhaps in the future, but this is all that I wished for this Christmas. Some may say this is an obsession. In fact, this is more of a devotion for someone I felt so much for emotionally.. It could been seen as an act of stupidity. But, who's to say they weren't fool for love before..

I have no idea why I had to write this on Christmas morning and with so much emotions.. perhaps I had kept so much within me silently that even myself wasn't aware and it all came out at once, upon a release button..

2011-06-01T01:36:00.000+08:00

Time and time again, i feel like i m losing out on my battle each time. Though i appearing to be in avoidance, but i think about you all the time. You're hard habit to break. Never been so crazy about someone like this before. But i know deep down for the better of things someone has do something about it and knowing you for you are, you wouldnt havr that kind of initiative towards me. So i guess that only leaves up to me to sacrifice my ownself. Cruel reality or not, i think everyone has their right to walk their own path. Hopefully our paths would cross again and hope things would be different then. This is such a miserable feeling growing inside me.

2011-05-17T02:40:00.000+08:00

what hurts the most,
its not letting you go,
but missing you so much,
and cant let you know.
i had to pretend that i dont care,
but deep within i am stabbing myself to death.

2011-04-30T02:56:00.000+08:00

probably its better to be alone. wish the silent night could be longer, with the critings of the crickets. loneliness was afterall the better option.

2011-04-22T02:41:00.000+08:00

释放的感情是否能够让你了解我心中所用有的无私的爱与关怀？回头想想一切的一切，是否只是一场梦有如过眼云烟？有谁能够真的接受我？了解我？虽然没有明确或肯定的答案，但也无需解释。再想，一切的发生也许冥冥中早已有了安排。无需强求。也许还会抱着一丝希望，但不会再做出愚蠢的事。勉强始终是不幸福的。

Relieved

2011-04-21T00:11:00.000+08:00

19/04/2011. A day of truth. finally got to the bottom of things. never regretted loving you though. Perhaps it was never meant to be even if much has been done. learned to take things in my stride as it's definitely not the end of the World yet. Maybe one day you would look back and think that I should have deserved that chance but perhaps now it don't matter at all. What matters is you have found what you believed in. Funny thing was, I never felt pain at all. Though it was all sour inside which I tried to hide from you but I was really glad that you would come clean with me. It just made everything end. Or rather, I would call it a perfect ending as I got to hear what I supposedly wanted to hear coming out from you. Thank you for all the wonderful memories. You might or might not see this, but I still want to say this, you're just about the best thing that could ever happened to me. Felt truly in bliss.

- lovelorn -

shadows of the night

2011-04-14T00:47:00.001+08:00

it's been almost a year since everything started to blossom and whither away. Unimaginably, I actually got the chance to be real close to you, bring you to places you never been before, becoming your emotional support and being there whenever you needed someone..especially to hear you whine about work and stuffs. It's really something special I shared with you and I truly cherish it. I don't care what others have to say about you, all I care about its whether you were ever truthful and real towards me and not being some hypocritical person. I really wonder and utterly curious about whether have you genuinely felt that we could be together? I know there are problems with me..especially certain habits which are hard to kick and being overweight..but really.. are those really bugging you hard and holding you back from accepting me? you were the one who said there could be exceptions..so was that all a lie? I'm still waiting for the truth to be told. but of course, what it is already, is whatever it is. Nothing's going to change, at least not now. Probably, I'm just retarded and 'fan jian' whichever you want to call it, but I just want to hear it from you. In short, I just want an answer to know if I have ever meant something important to you..

2011-04-05T23:31:00.002+08:00

What's really my worth in this world..can someone tell me and wake me up? Can't believe I totally butt in myself to these. True enough that love is not only thing we need in life, but that's something really special to have and keep, and many people don't mind themselves getting hurt in the end because in the end, it's all about going after what you really want with no regrets.

But sometimes, I think I kinda overrated myself. Thinking that what matters most is what you have inside you though you have not have the killer look or body. Probably that was some utterly naive thinking to start with. Ultimately, people would be very mindful of what others think or comment about another thing or person. It's a really scary thing to think about. Though you might pretend that it don't matter, but you're just cheating on yourself. Everything were just another bullshit. It's just like a wrong puzzle piece trying hard to fit into the incorrect place. Probably I just had too much to say about but failed to look at myself thoroughly. Was I even that good to start with? If I am, then why am I hitting the walls every single time? God only knows what is happening. Sometimes it feels so much that it just felt like tearing but the god damned tears just wont come. It felt so warm and congested right in my eyes but it just wouldn't come! It felt like it could just burst out but it's totally sealed in. Perhaps we could have been better a fool and not able to think about love and definitely not bothered about it. I could have got born in the wrong place.. being born with a proper brain and a normal person, giving me the ability to think so much about everything and in the end, I'm just another fool, thinking so highly about myself and everything, and ended up shaming my ownself. What a retard.

You shouldn't be the one hiding. I should be the one.

Grey

2011-04-04T00:58:00.000+08:00

White & black. Is there a really defined colour? There's always a transition of colours. White would turn grey before turning black. In essence, there's really no wrong or right in every single thing. Everybody does something for a reason. Maybe love was never red in colour. It's probably grey. Loving you made me realised that there's never a right or wrong in loving a person. I really hate myself sometimes for doing things which I dislike other people to do. This is ridiculous. But time and time again, I never fail to give in to that weak heart of mine that is so much in love with you. Tell me what to do.. please tell me..because I m losing my sanity bit by bit.

beautiful

2011-03-29T00:01:00.001+08:00

Wish time could just pause for you and me. It was an unbelievable day. A full week of hectic work could never beat spending a day with you.

infactuation?

2011-03-23T00:30:00.001+08:00

there has never been a period i don't think about you though i may not show it or make you feel it. but thats the way it is. although i know there are limitations and i cant replace the role of another person..despite so, i still want to treat you better and have you to the best i can be..but i guess there is no such possibilities..yet? there are so many times i wanted to kiss you on the forehead and tell you i miss you very much and that you mean the world to me..perhaps thats not for me to say any more. friends say i have an infactuation about you but i really beg to differ because i really want you and to take good care of you even to the last penny i have in my pocket..they say i am crazy. i say they dont understand how i feel. perhaps you dont know how i genuinely feel too. perhaps you might think that i am taking this as a joke. which it is really not. i am for real. really, really, really loved you. much more than i love myself. whats really lying at the end of the road for me? will i have you in my arms eventually and hear you say you love me too?

2011-03-16T23:19:00.000+08:00

Awakening from this deep slumber, I found myself standing no where at the crossroads again. I thought it could never happen to me again. For once, I genuinely felt so. But, unfortunately whatever that happens in life, never cuts me some slack. Time and time again, it forces me to face the harsh reality and truth and wanting to hurt me deeply and perhaps, make me understand the true ideology of "waking up". I really can't figure this one out, even though I've been rather capable at analyzing stuffs, characters and happenings. Thanks to that ultra sensitive hunch. Sometimes I hate it when I hit it right on the spot and in return, I've to bear the whole painful experience myself. Why am I always at the shorter end of the stick? Why do I always have to live in comparison? Why am I always the one losing out? Why am I always the one having to let go of what I love and others can get it? Oh God, are you playing a god damned prank on me? I wanna live normal, have a normal family, have normal kids, have a normal job and have a normal death. No doubt I craze for the riches and the big cars, but ultimately, it's just but only a dream, an idealism.

I suppose everything were all predestined. I wasn't born to have the riches, the most envious job and the perfect love. In the end, I am just a fat bloke with enough to spend, without great ambitions and cursing on my own wretched life all the time.

Missed the ocean, horizon and puffy clouds. Wish I am there again. Feeling the freedom, the liberation, the serenity. Sitting by an empty area, it felt as though the sea was singing to me, the wind was comforting me and the clouds were entertaining me. No doubt it does pulls that negativity out of me. Whenever I'm there, I'm always thinking about you. Wondering what's on your mind, how are you feeling and wishing very much that you could be right here at this moment with me. But, we all know that's just not going to happen. Even if those eyes were wet and dried right after. Eventually, I'm caught in a hurricane which I'm unable to get out of and entangled within it to the ends of time. Who's there to get me out?

People with low self-esteem should never have spoken much in the first place. We don't have the rights. We are just average people. We don't deserve much. We are not entitled to love or be loved. We are just born to be a catalyst to help others, listen to them and their sorrows, provide aid to patch things and help them mend up brokenness and in the end be all happy for what we have done and what they have become. Literally, other than vice and crime, there are no right or wrong in life. What's truly right? ignoring a colleague whom you dislike? forsaken a person who loves you madly for another one who's not? saving a dog that just killed a man? life has far too many philosophies that we have already lost our own directions. Everyone is living by their own set of values and philosophies already. There's no turning back. You live your life and be happy with it. No one is stopping you. Let's all leave it to fate as I'm done with thinking. Perhaps it's an ordeal I have to go through and learn something out of it. Perhaps it's just yet another failure.

FML.

a mess.

2011-03-13T00:17:00.000+08:00

the mind is in a mess right now. utterly confused, distorted and full of pretension. been a crazy and busy period. seems like there's no time to think about what's really going to be. but, it's always working late into the night when thoughts came rushing into the mind like as though they only work in the night. Perhaps they really do..

at some point it occurred as if there's totally no feeling to it. were everything done, given much attention and appreciation that at least an understanding was concluded from it..were all those prayers and affections conveyed being heard? Eagerly hoping it was heard and probably at least have a little space to keep all those in the deepest part of your heart and realise that everything that were done, were of truth and sincerity. Now, it appears like so of reading towards the end of a chapter of a book. what's next in the coming chapter seems utterly distant and unknown.

心扉

2011-03-09T00:14:00.000+08:00

如果这是爱情，本来就不公平。若真的没爱过我，我无话可说。一切似乎明明中自
有安排。。我也只能接受我不想接受的事实和痛。

完。

pain

2011-03-07T23:38:00.000+08:00

truth be told, or not? which is better? it equally hurts. importantly you know what you are looking for. back to an aimless life. perhaps its the end of the entire episode. it pains me so much.. why cant i just have a normal relationship.. i can never be with who i wanna be with. it forever feels like fate ia toying me and as though i m not meant to be with somebody i love dearly.. this is frustrating.. i not deaperate for love at all.. i am just annoyed with myself so much that i am starting to hate myself.. afterall in a big circle of truth.. i m huge and plump.. its just a really big issue.. size does matter. and matters alot. shallow ideas and contradiction serves like the main culprit of everything.. but just one thing you need to know.. i have always been true and tried all i can to make you happy if thats just what you want.. there's just norhing more that i can do to please you.. i just cant simply visually please you. i still love you. i really do. but perhaps it just ain't enough to have you to love me the way i do to you. this just stings so much.

despair

2011-03-04T23:34:00.000+08:00

gazing into the night sky, wondering was it all fated.. is it too much to ask for..

disbelief

2011-03-02T23:00:00.000+08:00

wad is really going through her mind? i really want to know and understand. frank or delusion.. i really really want to share her load and worries..really want to help her so badly that it worries me from time to time..

- tornado happenings

lingo

2011-02-25T00:52:00.000+08:00

空荡荡的脑海，似乎一切都会不一样。好想回到香港之旅。

pondering

2011-02-12T03:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes would just sit alone lighting a cigarette up and ponder over what is exactly going in ur life as you puff away frowning.. random thoughts will fly by, straight right through your mind without a warning..often u wld suddenly think abt wad is really happening, what is going wrong, whats going to be expected and probably whats joyous and emotional abt.. *shrugs*

whats exactly the "right" one? the one who has the same thinking as you? same sized? being able to understand you more than yourself? being able to be relied on? there arent really a standard answer to this.. everyone has priority and preferences.. but whats ideally the best? be shallow and ignore certain things which you dislike? or be picky and make sure you get the best? its a painful thinking process but everyone have to go through these to truly understand what really matters deep down.. feelings are just feelings afterall.. its not the right thing to rely on all the time. however humans are emotional creatures. we work with our feelings most of the time rather than seeing with our own pair of eyes and truly believing in whats really real..

often people will just make do with whatever they have and in the end realised and look back that they could have made a slightly better choice. but really.. whats really justifiable? we usually live in our own world thinking its perfectly alright to live like this and carry on the average life without realising that time doesnt stop and wait. eventually we turn shallow and live in ignorance hoping it would make us happier.. perhaps it would. but for how long? its not possible to carry on feigning that most if the things that you dislike dont matter.. over time one may either feel that you are truly able to accept over time.. or it's going spark off a series of unhappiness.. its really a matter if choosing. physical appearance and mental capacity differs alot. shallow? or depthful?

-missing you badly.

close up.

2011-02-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

you leave me breathless. you may not be the most beautiful lady among those I knew, but you're definitely the one who takes my breath away each and every time.

-Misseu.

2011-01-30T22:01:00.000+08:00

right now at this hour, the rain comes pouring and the night ever silent..i wonder do i ever crossed your mind...cause for all you know, you cross my mind all the time. i really wonder what will we be like just another 3 yrs down the road.. will we be together? :(

2011-01-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

hours passed.. the more i hate myself. hated my recklessness and ever assuming personality.. feels like a complete idiot. never should have said those useless and redundant words. it was unnecessary. cripes. prolly it burst after everything kept cogulating together one after another..i feel helpless and mentally clumpsy. lost the intelligence to comprehend u completely.. everything was just uncalled for. i guess sorry was never enough. it's alot more than that.

2011-01-20T01:07:00.000+08:00

afterall its a mistake. never shld have taken that step out and continue the mistakes made over n over again.. finally i got awakened. been a bastard all the while, doing what i hated. simply contradicting piece of shit. not that i m going to stop loving u but rather i would stop being a bastard and mend my ways. i have to control myself. i must.

misery

2011-01-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

shouldn't be the case. karin's right. it's just wrong. I've to contain it within. at all cost.

Empty?

2011-01-15T03:17:00.001+08:00

sometimes people just prefer to live in denial and pretend that certain things didnt happen or hoping that by pretending, they would actually be happy..but pretension is really really really tiring...its hard to understand why certain people can do it so well..*sighs* even though knowing there are some things which are very hard to reverse or maybe irreversible, some how there is a tendency to hold on that belief and faith.. is it plain stubborn? or is it plain foolish? or is it a display of determination? it depends on how you interpret and look at it. There is really no right or wrong on these. People may deem it a stupidity to hold on to something which appears to be hopeless and without an ending.. another may consider that it's real admirable to be able to hang on so tightly and not faltering over the slightest setback..to be honest, have no idea why am I holding on so tightly. I just fall for you too deeply. Perhaps it's only that simple, or probably it's just another complication..I really can't shake you off my mind for a minute..you have just so become a part of my life which I have felt so accustomed to..it's so frustrating but yet, it's something desirable..crazy as it sounds..even I am smiling ridiculously to myself while I am penning this down. Would there be a change in fate? destiny? I really hope so..but at the same time not wanting you to feel hurt and let down again..going through once is enough..there's no need for a second encounter. However, I suppose it's inevitable if it's going to happen again when it happens..I promise I'll be just right there to catch you if you do unwillingly fall.

- It's a sorrow if it is. Come what may. -

Thoughts...

2011-01-12T22:33:00.000+08:00

Is it a good to be sensitive? or is it better to be insensitive? After ages of argument and I think no one has ever come to a good enough reason or verdict about which is better..

Just thought to myself sometimes, what are we really looking for in life? is it to be wealthy enough to spend and splurge on things we never had and be satisfied? or is it to be simple enough to start a family, earning enough just to make ends meet? Which seems happier? Actually I dont know about that..it seems like each has their own sets of problems..and if you can relate, this philosophy can be applied in many areas..but ask yourself this, can it really be applied on other areas of concerns when it could be a totally different agenda.. truly, we often missed out to consider that and assume that everything is just a set of rules and permanent conditions..

Somehow, the way I look at things..everyone has their very own special set of rules and conditions pretty much like a mix and match thingy.. and I often tried to understand them though they are not my personal set of rules..but it just seem so hard to truly comprehend what's the whole logic and ideology behind it..most are often illogical and unreasonable.. to a point it seems totally ridiculous and amusing. Though often considerate people would care about another's feelings and try not to be overly straightforward and direct to avoid hurting the other person..but thinking again, it could have been better just to blurt it out with honesty and face it..

Of course it's not that I dont wish to hear lies and only want to hear the truth all the time..sometimes you just wish that special someone would just say something soothing to your ear and just simply make your day with a much brighter spark..everyone does.. almost naturally, the one who you want to hear from most, just wouldnt say it..except that, it would always come from the person you least expected..though you know it's the same old issues that you are going to run into, you would still chose to return to something, someone, somewhere which you are more familiar with.. it's just human nature. We are not so adaptive afterall.

oh god...i'm missing you so much. this is insane....

2011-01-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

had a good dinner with babe..though it was simple but it was filling. :) babe finally got to eat the xiao long bao at chinatown afterall she is cravin for it recently..haha. every simple thing is beautiful, whenever i'm with u.. so in love with u. i couldnt ask for more than you n everything else.. i really mean it. such a great girl.. i am hoping something might happen.. though i dun wish for u to be sad.. but its inevitable..missed every minute every second.. its crazy..

2011-01-10T11:53:00.000+08:00

I'm missing you now and then. Feels like my life is complete though everything are not in place. On cloud nine whenever I'm with you..damned.

2011-01-08T08:04:00.000+08:00

finally the truth. But I still love you deeply. appreciate the truthfulness and would rather it be like this though it may hurt so much..

2011-01-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

i am walking into my own shade of darkness..i can no longer make out by myself what is real and what is not. everything just seems to be stagnant with nothing budging an inch. its so hard to understand why is it so god dam hard to be accepted..is it eveything in life has got to be compared to eventually decide which is nicer and what to keep..eventually when things go wrong..its always hard to pick up and fall back on something..nobody is good enough in this world.. period.

being able to meet you in my life has always one of the greatest that thing could happened to me.. though it comes with painful memories but it was really something special to me and i cherish it alot..loving u was nvr a easy thing but its definitely worth a try and had never regretted loving you. i miss u all the time.. sometimes i even wonder what am i going to do if one day i lose you for good or i dun see you as often.. i think i will go crazy. i m really so madly in love that i wan to see you everyday..i will nvr get sick of looking at that face of ur's..i need you so much like the flower needs the rain.

i really..really..really love you dearly. of coz i guess somehow it's easy to tell that the way things are right now..i really have nothing to say and also nothing that i can do about it..but my love for you wldnt change..

i <3 u

2011-01-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

i think about you all the time..were you? it feels completely like a lovelorn.

2011-01-02T14:54:00.000+08:00

01012011 beautiful day with a beautiful someone. <3

2010-12-30T00:51:00.000+08:00

是不是不想你就会开心?
是不是不理你就会没事?
是不是爱你就要学会放手?

我觉得不是。。。反而，

我想你更多。
我更想知道你的事。
我更放不下心看你不开心的样子。

我。。

心里还是有你。

2010-12-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

不知道为什么我还是无法把你放下。。对你总是有一种说不上来的依恋。。时常会想起你，想起我们所做过的事，去过的地方，开心的事和经历。。我怎么都无法忘记你的笑容。时时刻刻都会回想起你说过的话。其实就是有感觉的为什么就是要骗自己。。真的有这没难吗。。真的好想好好的爱一个人。你是否会考虑给我这个机会？虽然我知道机会很渺茫。跟你在一起的时候，真的很舒服。。现在也只能这样了。

2010-12-23T00:48:00.000+08:00

shin..shin..shin... love it to bits. <3 missing u much.

2010-12-20T23:59:00.000+08:00

i am missing you. wish that time could rewind u wld have ur choice again..perhaps it wld still be the same..but who knows for sure..had been thinking abt u like all the time. i m done and tired of how people see me and explaining about my stand..some just wont understand the reasons behind..sighs. 好想，好想，好想，真的好想和你在一起。。。

2010-12-16T01:05:00.000+08:00

imissyou.

2010-12-13T23:22:00.000+08:00

the feeling of emptiness overcomes so much of me. somehow i lost the ability to think rationally sometimes.. don't wish to admit that i have very little tolerance whenever it comes to such things. unfortunately, i am. i am still learning to make do with it and how to better negate such effects in future. but time and time again, i fail utterly bad. there goes a saying which it's rather true.."the more you don't want to see it, the more it will appear in your thoughts.." but, who is able to control? it's not something as simple as 'abc' or '123'.. each and every time it gets me perplexed about what i really want and need.. the truth is, i still think of you now and then and the pretentious actions have to go on to keep it real and remind myself that it has to be like this.. whichever it may be.. who truly understands me? 执着是一种错吗? it's really sore inside and saddening. walking aimlessly through the human stream somehow sets me thinking about what could have been and what might have been.. but in the end, does it really matter? right now, i really have no idea what i am doing..what i should be doing and what is right and wrong.. i am so lost and baffled by my very own thinking and actions.. why am i not any simpler and dumber? probably that would have saved me from a lot of troubles and problems.. i m so fucked up.

-Ajax.

2010-12-12T22:58:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder..do i ever cross your mind? u do cross my mind all the time..

2010-12-10T12:41:00.000+08:00

Heart sunk almost immediately.. everything just went blank and silent.

2010-12-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

熟悉的陌生感。懦弱的我不断的被你的影像打败。痛，真的是暂时性的吗?

2010-12-05T23:03:00.000+08:00

it's tearing me apart from within..was it a mistake? no longer am I able to tell.

2010-12-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

finally i took that step. it hurts so much.. didn't see it coming.. but we both know it has to happen like this no matter what.. it can't go on like this.. it's just not right.. I can't do this anymore.. let me be thick-skinned this once and let me end it off like this.. at least I can keep my dignity and pride and let you keep your reputation. hopefully it puts a full-stop to everything and probably that will end one of your problems. I am sorry if I hurt you I didn't want to do it, but after so long and I have been thinking over and over again. I feel that the problem no longer lies with you.. but it's me. It was me who chose not to not believe that you are with him.. It was me who chose to look away from the truth.. It was all along me. Always thought that maybe something would happen and maybe God would be kind to me for once..but it seems like it's just not meant to be. Though it sucks the way it is.. but there aren't many choices. Have no idea why it has gotta be you. Sometimes, I asked myself..why you? why? why has it gotta be someone who has "unfinished" business with the previous relationship? not only am I not able to get an answer...but it just felt completely empty and clueless.. suddenly the mind just goes blank. Still remember you used to say you "lived in the mountains" never been to much places.. that sentence is deeply engraved in me..I took it seriously and hope that I can bring you to as many places as I can and able to.. and share the best of everything with you in my best capability..it felt strong in me..but now I am so confused and overwhelmed with mixed feelings..someone please shoot me in the head. I like you, I really do. Nothing else can be as real as this. Perhaps loving you was never enough..everything that I had done were never what you were looking for from the start..probably everything was wrong in the first place. However, I do cherish dearly the time we had together..places we gone to..little arguments we had..fooled around..kiddo moments..countless bus rides..cab trips..train rides..just everything that has got to do with you..those are something really very special to me. I wish I can say this to you, but it breaks my heart so much when you don't even want to look me in the eyes and it hurts so much.. I am really sorry.

-Ajax.

2010-11-29T20:48:00.000+08:00

what was i thinking? just what exactly am i thinking.. i really have no idea..felt like i m thinking with my butt than my head.. was it what i really want? definitely not.. it's just happening and i can't control it. it just happened as simply as like i am doing clapping.. sheesh.. i hate myself. are you feeling the same?

-Ajax.

2010-11-24T21:51:00.000+08:00

有时后，会不会觉得好像什么都不对。。又好像一切都很真实。。
那一直来来去去，反反复复的画面和情景似乎长久的留在脑海里。。

illusion? delusional? hallucination? what is it exactly? questions embedded deep within with no absolute answers to it..some people find it such an amusing thing to experience..they have been searching for the answers all their lifetime, but in return the questions always return to them and they would subsequently realise that the answers are within them. Most of them just simply chose to ignore and would prefer the idea of "there's a better solution out there..". well, who knows.

everything in this world is ugly? everything is beyond hopes? everything are just cock and bull? blurred and misty with all that smokescreen effect, nobody gets close to the truth. definitely no one. it's like everyone has it since the day they were born. they create their own smokescreen and confuses everything and hopes to find the truth or even answers to their doubts and questions through their own smokescreens.. intellectual animals we are, but we are also behaving stupidly.. somehow it's kind to explain this chain of behaviour.. it seems almost everyone does it..

*laughs* have absolutely no idea what's the whole ideology all about.. only knew it only gets crazier..

-Ajax.

2010-11-21T14:53:00.000+08:00

it's mind boggling when you think about why at times there are some people out there who knew deep within them that they no longer feel that fire burning, but somehow they are so bent to hang on to it, having no idea what to expect and what's going to happen next. There are certain choices which has to be made along the way in life though some can be chose to be ignored.. I do know that sometimes certain things are hard to weigh and be decided upon, but running away and avoiding is definitely not a viable solution..it may be avoided now, but it will come around to you the next corner. So by then, what's gonna happen?

I had a really good time yesterday bringing to you places, eating good food and seeing things you that you want to see but never got the chance to. However, it would have been better if we had did that in the day. There will be more things to see. I could never forget that look on your face when you saw that aeroplane taking off into the sky and flying away..you were so overjoyed and contented. I have never saw that face before on you. I was so glad I brought you to the right place. That look just simply made my day~

However, we cannot pretend that the problem doesn't exist. I'm feeling exhausted, confused and crazy. But that doesn't change that I love you so much that when I close my eyes, images of you will appear.. Perhaps, I should start to take that step out first, since none of us knows what to do about this. Somebody has got to start some where. Maybe that will put you at ease and you no longer have to consider about so much about this whole thing..I had learned something from that contented look on your face last night..if you could be this happy without all these issues, maybe it's not such a bad thing to happen. I wanna know what you are thinking so badly, so badly..

想要给你我的一切让你好好的认识我，
想要用我所有的爱让你知道我的认真，
想要送我心里全部的牵挂让你明白我的心思，
想要付出我的时间让你了解你的重要，
想要握住你的双手让你知道不管什么事我都会在你身边。
许多想要，想要，想要给你，
只是需要你把你的心交给我。

-Ajax.

2010-11-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

got hooked on to Ne Yo's "One in a million", the song is conveying so much message which i feel, it's exactly many men out there are feeling about a particular girl. It's exactly something about this girl which caught the attention. Even though there are millions of ladies out there but he just had the eyes for you. It's gotta mean something rite..

Well at least for me the song did felt real and was something i could relate to so much..not to mention the great dance moves in the music video..hell Neyo can dance.. *snigger*

I guess I could say nothing much had happened this few weeks other than that little friction we had..somehow deep down, i knew i was heading in the wrong direction but i happen to see you right behind me..though you didnt want me to head in that wrong direction, but also seem to tag behind me knowing it's a wrong direction..i'm really confused, i know somehow u are too..you didnt know what choice to make, you fear to make a choice right now, there's just so much to consider.

Uncontrollably, i think about you all the time its like an obsession..totally~ even i feel that it's crazy. but i just cant help it. i enjoyed the time we spent and i've never felt so much urge to care for a person..i have been asking myself this, though i m very reluctant about it, should i remain at where i am right now at such a situation which doesnt seem to have things worked out.. it's more like a delay than a solution to the problem..sometimes i just dont know how to face others when they ask about this..it just didnt felt quite right for all these happenings.. perhaps i m the main problem that exist.

-Ajax.

2010-11-11T22:02:00.000+08:00

it has been quite some time since the last dramatic event occurred.. however, i still don't know where i stand actually. Have been asking myself whether is it really alright to hang out like this given the current situation.. you're unofficially with him, but you're out with me as often.. so what's what? keeping your options open? nevertheless, i am sure u know how i feel and definitely i m sure you have a feeling for me and you're comfortable being with me.. but it's really that complicated that even i am unsure of what's the right thing to do for you. god i just hate it that i m so in love with you.. undeniably, i m still awaiting patiently for that fateful day to come. hopefully, dont let me wait too long.

-Ajax.

2010-11-01T20:51:00.000+08:00

it feels totally mindfucked all of a sudden..it happens so naturally that i didn't notice it in time. cripes. what in the world am i thinking? is this even the right thing to do? i m suppose to be mad and affected but i am like appearing alright and stuff and it seems like nothing had happened..this is crazy. what am i suppose to do or react? gawd..i'm trying so hard to let it go.. i m so entrapped in this crap hole that i m losing my senses.

-Ajax.

2010-10-26T22:45:00.000+08:00

It was a longer than usual train ride. Probably it was a wrong choice to make to have agreed to tag along. I thought I could try to be normal or the least, pretend to be. But I guess it was just a plain struggle. I didn't have an idea of what to say or what to do..All I can do was just to stand still and space out. Though having so much to say, so much ask about you but knowing that inevitably he would come into the picture just prevents me from asking about so much which I think it's rather pointless. I'm trying really hard to pretend that nothing had ever happened but it's slicing me up within. So many times I felt like crying but I just can't seem to do it. It's like this voice within that is telling me that it's ridiculous to cry over these. There's always this unbearable feeling stuck inside me and pains me each time I think about you. I tried so hard not to think of you but we have done so much that it feels as though you are everywhere I am at. Having so much to say, so much I want to do with you, but I just couldn't say it and never would have a chance to. Sometimes I just wonder how could you live so well in denial pretending that nothing has ever happened. Is it really better to live like this, having to pretend all the time so that you will be happier? It's crazy. I wish somebody would come and shoot me in the head and leave me dead. I can't do this anymore. It's killing me. I feel miserable, feeling so much like an abandonment. Why is it so hard? It's actually very simple from the start, I just want to love you with everything I have.

-Ajax

...

2010-10-16T13:07:00.000+08:00

It's been a long coming 3-month odd when everything started to fall in and out of place. Didn't really realise how I landed myself in such a situation in the first place. Love has always been a crazy thing to start with I guess. People just fall so deep down without knowing what to fall onto.

I had always been true to whoever I ever loved..some found it too much..some just found it too little..nutshell; I was never up to scratch. There's this missing piece of me that always seems to falter me along my way to find the one for me. However, I just can't seem to grasp it. I guess being natural would be best. But it won't seem like there's effort being put into. So actually, what's the perfect concoction? Brewing it slowly or simply boiling it?

You actually gave me butterflies whenever I see you. That beautiful hair and gentle personality with uniqueness. It kinda blends all together and simply irresistible. The 'want' to hold you tight within my arms is so strong to tell you how much I love you. But ultimately, it was not something for me to say.

I really don't understand why all these has to happen. Though we never started anything, but it just felt so strong in me. I wanted to take care of you and be there for you whenever you needed a shoulder to cry on. But it was just not enough. I thought I could win your heart by being truthful and real. -sighs- I guess there was never a need in the first place. It was never easy to overcome the old feelings and memories you had accumulated and kept so long being with him. That's a hard and heavy fact to carry with me. Perhaps, in the first place there was no problem and things you gone through with him was just what any other couples would experience. I perfectly understand your stand and respect it. I'm just so god damn sore about my defeat over 5 years of non-erasable memories. However, I do agree 5 years is indeed a long time and I do feel wasted for you. Somehow.

All in all, I really have no idea about what's to come in the future. Things are just so unpredictable. This moment you would be wondering why it all happened, the next moment you would be glad that it happened and how you're gonna live without it.

-Ajax.

dumbfounded

2010-09-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

Do you always find yourself standing at the wrong side of the road and start wondering about what the hell are you doing here? Perhaps you would also start wondering how are you gonna get to the other side as well.

When you actually manage to get over to other side, you would start wondering too about why the other side seems perfectly alright all of a sudden...it's crazy. In a nutshell, you don't stop wondering about the endless 'whys' and start beating yourself up from inside with all those 'I should have known..".

I believe every single thing happens for a reason as though it was predestined. But of course, one would say "you've gotta fight for whatever you want!" It's not a standard template and you definitely can't expect others to be going the same road as you are probably the 'terrains' and 'surroundings' are so different though he's 'driving on a road'. If you get what I'm saying that is.

It always had to hit so hard and never providing an easier way out of everything. Harsh and cold. Falling in love can be so frustrating. One moment it feels like heaven, another it feels completely oblivious. Chances are hard to earn. Luck is hard to come by. Love is hard to get hold of.

-A.jax

affections

2010-08-30T12:29:00.000+08:00

To confess or not is always everyone's fear. The before and after effect always scares the shit out of almost everyone and brings about much hesitation from moving forward..but ultimately, has it got to be that frightening?

I believe so. Average joes and janes would usually think twice or even thrice to say everything out and hoping for the best to happen and usually they would come against a wall directly..But just saying "I like you very much." hurts that much? Loving someone is it really that hard? If not provided much chances, would the other person actually get to see how she/he would be loved and cared for in the days to come and carry on harping on the complexity of not having someone who cares and loves you? It's quite a bit of something to think about isn't it..

So in the end, whose to blame? Should there be no affections at all? of course you would say, other than man-woman affections, there are still family and friends who would love you more than anything else in this world. But ultimately, its your soulmate who is going to spend the rest of your life with you. Maybe its all predestined that Man has to go through all these ordeals to finally understand what's best and definitely, to each to it's own.

Though have not been in much relationships, the ideology behind has really grasped me tightly around my neck. Sometimes contradicts me, sometimes binds me. Having heard all sorts of stories, it would usually occur to you that would it one day actually happen on you. And I believe, it will, one day. Who knows when..if you knew, that would have been godly.

Affections..taking it fast or slow really shows great differences. Take it slowly, you risk the chances of losing out to somebody else. Take it too fast, the proper foundation would not have been in place to ensure a stable concoction. So, what's what? I suppose it really depends on mutual feelings. Perhaps one may like the companionship but not necessarily like the whole idea of being together and be in love. Some would regard being together as tied down and loathed the idea of being together and actually spending time knowing each other out. Really..does it always happen that way?

Who doesn't want to be emotionally affected and cared for? It's good to have someone to love and be loved from. Love is a dream chased by many but mostly often failed to understand how delicate it is and end up crumbling everything they went for with their hands.

A little something to think about.

-A. Jax.

Anxiety

2010-08-27T22:32:00.000+08:00

What should have been done I always asked myself this..but I can't seem arrive at a satisfactory answer all the time. Could it have been that I am just stupid? Cripes. Sometimes I am so utterly confused by the way you are treating me. One moment you're really nice to me and caring, next moment I am like barred from your life. So where's the invisible line at?

Everyone has been really encouraging and I could also see that you're really giving me a fighting chance. Though its pretty obvious that the competition is really strong. Am I just expecting too much after all that you have signaled to me or could I have just read it wrongly? How am I suppose to confirm all these thinking.. who can I turn to? I am really at my wits. All these while, I thought I figure this out really clearly but think it's not really the case.

I kept telling to myself that its only been 2 months since we have been seeing each other..perhaps everything should just slow down.. and I shouldn't put you at the center of my life. I tried, and really hard at it. It tore me apart from within all the time whenever I tried not to think of you and occupy myself with loads of things but I just can't seem to get you out of my mind. Some how I have been thinking of ways to make you realise that I have fallen so deeply for you. Every sight of you just makes my heart to skip a beat. I can be so easily satisfied just by looking at you without blinking my eye. Everything about you is so captivating.

I hate the fact I am not able to express it in full, fearing you might take off and leave. I don't know how it would feel like to be in and out of love again. Perhaps it would hurt so much that I would be done with getting really involved again and probably would never recover. Reality checks with a really hug tick that tells you to look up and think again.

How I wish I could just hold you tightly and peck you on your forehead to let you know I care as much for you and would try to do anything to please you. It ain't that bad a thing to do to please you. But it's only if you could understand my intentions and what I am really trying to say and tell you without you dissing me off without having to appreciate all that I have to say or do. It sinks my heart whenever you disregard my questions, ignores what I have to say, rejecting what I have to offer and acting like you don't care at all. It kills me totally. However, I do know that it's not possible to have everything change overnight just because you know I am in love with you and you're not even my girl. I want to, but I m letting the feelings flow naturally. I don't want to rush into things and be just another typical guy. I am truly special and I want you to feel it.

Writing it all down feels so good. If only I can just tell it all to you with everything I have got. Regretfully, it's just not going to happen as simply as this. Much mental preparation is required and whole lot bunch of luck. Just what were you thinking all the time? I really want to know.

=(

2010-08-26T21:29:00.000+08:00

Having you by my side feels totally different. It's like a completely different world. It feels almost complete, other that you're not my own to call. However, I am really content. I had never felt like this before. It feels completely different and it really felt like I had been given a chance to prove myself unlike before. If this really doesn't work out in the end, I believe I won't feel so depressed because I did tried my best and earned myself a chance. And that, I appreciate the time and attention given to me though I am not the ideal person that you want to be with.

Perhaps its all predetermined that I will only get to give love and never get to hold it with me. It sucks a lot that sometimes you have to face the fact it is not going happen though you really really really want it so much. The heart sinks so deep that it makes me breathless whenever I have to be mentally prepared that all these aren't going to turn out the way I thought it would turn out to be.

I don't know how am I suppose to face it when the 'time' comes ultimately. Disappearing seems cowardly, but it's always the best way out to think about things and letting go. Much time will be required to recover from such reluctance. I am starting to feel that maybe you didn't want me that much. Maybe it's only for a companion. But I'm really grateful for all that has happened and all the wonderful experiences. All of it are going to be a part of me kept really deep down in me.

I write this here today, to keep reminding myself that not everything will always turn the best way and make me happy all the time..

-A. Jax

photograph

2010-08-11T09:36:00.000+08:00

I wonder why I am coming back to where I ended off..perhaps the 'me' now is returning to the 'me' before. I used to think that I might not need to return to where I was then. However, I suppose I was wrong. Life has always been a cycle I guess.

It has been a crazy time with her. Had a lot of great times, had a lot bad times and certainly some confused times..it didn't quite occur to me that probably I might not be the one. Despite the rather usual meet ups, movies and other stuffs. I do know that I'm definitely not that appealing to others and somehow I was harboring the thought that this time round it could be different. Rather, I'm starting to think otherwise. I have no idea who to speak to with this. Most of the people around often regards my thinking are ridiculous and somehow, not logical. In which, I find it a chore to try and explain my stand.

I've been trying to understand what's truly going on. I must say, it's really hard. Sometimes it seems hot and at times it seems cold. I understand the whole idea of not wanting to create further hopes to avoid great disappointments but can't you see that it's not the whole point? Often wanted to shout it all out and clear the air..but it's not possible. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Perhaps, I wanted to preserve the current relationship and not wanting to jeopardise it in view of bringing my own thoughts in and create further distance between us.

I feel unwanted and condemned. Probably not loved. It might be all due to that sole criminal, expectations. I might have expected much from all that series of happenings and dramas but little was I expecting to be accepted that soon. I was just trying to take my time and take short steps into your life. Somehow, I knew I need to eliminate that criminal from my chain of thoughts. I'm still trying and really hard at it.

Maybe everything will be in good memories like a picture or an old photograph which time could not be reversed and be who we used to be. It just hurts with all that invisible wounds.

-A. Jax